Well. Here we are. I've been gone and there's a reason. The biggest is that we've recently moved from a small town to the big city. But there's more to it than that. I'll explain.
So Lent started almost two weeks ago and that's what started it. Some years I don't really feel compelled to give anything up. I might fast one day a week or give up chocolate. Nothing major. One year as a teenager my dad made us all give up TV. That was fun. But some years I feel really convicted. I know there's a thorn that needs dealing with. This year I knew I needed to give up shopping. And anyone who knows me knows what a true sacrifice this is. I don't just love shopping retail, although that's a part of my vice, I love a good deal. I love to shop the thrift stores and sale racks for those hidden gems. I mean who hasn't used shopping to make yourself feel better? (And if you haven't, clearly you are a better human being than I and you can just keep that information to yourself thank you very much.) But for me it was happening way to often. And I have a closet full of clothes I've worn one time and a house full of things I don't really need. Because while shopping initially made me feel better, it didn't last.
And so I became really introspective. What was it that would make me feel better? Maybe Lent should be something more than just giving up the physical and tangible. Maybe I needed to give up something of my very nature as well.
I'm not an overly self-confident individual. I'm a people pleaser. Always forming myself into what others wanted me to be. But never quite sure who I wanted to be. Don't get me wrong over the years I've realized that isn't the way to live. I'm a far different individual at 36 than I was at 26. But at my core, I haven't changed much.
I am an avid blog reader. I love blogs about fashion and crafting. Thrifting and DIY. Food blogs and all the blogs in between. There's so much to be inspired by. It's why I started this blog. I thought maybe someone would want to read what I had to say. But it's a bit of a Catch 22 isn't it? I'm inundated with all the amazing things other people do and I start to feel that I'm not good enough. My nose is too big and my hips are too wide. I have 'man hands.' And most of what I create is just something that someone else did first. And the list goes on and on.
So there's the real thorn. The one that's been with me for far too long. The thing I really need to give up. My lack of self-confidence. My inability to see myself as I truly am. That compared to all the other women and men out there I just don't measure up. What could I possibly have to say or make or do that anyone would care about? I'm not special or unique.
But you see I am. I realized I have my mother's nose. A beautiful woman inside and out who's taught me more about how to love and live well than any other woman I know. And my wide hips have enabled me to give birth to three beautiful daughters. Little girls who I hope will grow into lovely and confident women. And my 'man hands' have created some really pretty things. Even if someone else did it first.
So along with shopping, I'm giving up my very nature. And it starts here. With my blog. Because I have things to say and stuff to create too. And maybe someone out there will want read it, but maybe not. And that's ok.
Because in the end it won't matter how many people heard what I had to say. Only that I had the courage to say it.