I am quite simply overwhelmed.
It's like I'm at the beach. My friends and family are there and they are all on the shore having a good time. I can hear them talking and see them laughing. I step into the water. Everyone can see me and they think I'm fine. That I'm just going for a swim. But with every step, I'm swept away. Every wave pulls me farther out to sea. At first, I can manage the waves. I can stay afloat. But before I know it I'm struggling just to keep my head above water. I can feel myself sinking and I am powerless to fight it. And the whole time I'm thinking that someone will notice me slipping away, that I am too far from the shore. But no one can see me anymore. I'm too far away. And besides, they all think I'm fine. When the truth is, I'm drowning. And I can't call out for help. And even if I did, no one would reach me in time.
This is what Depression is like. A slow and painful slipping away. A gradual loss of yourself. And the most painful part is that no one else can see. It is a very private and personal Hell.
I know that this is heavy stuff and that it might come as a bit of a shock to some of you. But I had to write about it. It helps me to do so. And also so you'll know why I've disappeared. This is a very real and powerful part of who I am.
And because right now I am up to my neck in water. And I desperately want to swim back to shore. But I don't know how and I know I can't do it on my own. That's when I look up. And see Him standing beside me. On top of the waves. And I remember that I am not alone. That He has the power to save me. That He has saved us all.
"...the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. Shortly before dawn, Jesus went out to them walking on the water. And Jesus spoke to them at once saying 'Do not be afraid. Take courage. I am here.'"